For the past two hours or so I managed to rake up so much old memories all about Leslie... It is a dark cold wet winter day today and to me, is basically a day of emotions potpourri.
Of course there are many out there who know Leslie Cheung 哥哥 张国荣 but for readers who do not know Leslie, he is a much respected Hong Kong artiste. You can find hundreds if not thousands of links on Leslie if you google it.
In the past two hours, I had memories of my biological brother and myself growing up with Leslie and his songs. I had memories of my brother happy about Leslie finally releasing new album Beloved 宠爱 after a long time and was among the first to buy it and gave high praise for it. That album was Leslie's first when he signed on with Rock Records 滚石唱片. By the way my brother and I are mature people in case you start to imagine us to be otherwise (such as 'crazy fans'). Listening to Leslie sang again today brought back a lot of childhood memories. But I also had memories of Leslie's impact on my view of life especially after 1995 till now. Whenever I lost myself in this stressful and seemingly meaningless life, I just have to remember what he said before and I can pick myself up again and do well.
There is something about the way Leslie pressed on and brought himself to another higher and higher level that is so admirable. Despite the pressure he faced in the entertainment business, he was able to stay composed and always confident in his ability to deliver. In his words, he reminded me that self-belief is very important. He said that although getting recognition by other people is important, getting self-recognition is in fact the most important. That way, we can always be in control of our life.
The day to day operation can so easily make me forget such great advice. I am glad I found it back again in the last two hours. I guess reminding ourselves to self-believe, self-recognize, self-appreciate, self-love is an important thing that we constantly do. Imagine if we feed on other people's opinions in order to decide how successful or not successful we are in what we do (such as boss' comments, parents' comments, teacher's comments, etc.), we are leaving our fate in their hands instead of ours. If you are good and they say you are not, does it mean you really are not? Do they know you better than yourself? Think about it.
Lastly, I had memories of Leslie visited me, sat down beside me in the living room and without saying a word, only smiling to me from time to time, flipped through a poster collection of himself page by page slowly for about 15 to 20 minutes, then said he would leave the posters behind for me and he left. The sad thing about that was it was as if he visited to say goodbye. Because after that I never saw him again, not in any dream ever since. That was 8 years ago but I could remember it so vividly as if it just happened yesterday. To be honest, if there is a way to know how Leslie is doing now, I wish I know it.
I am glad I thought through things today and came back to senses, but I am sad because I lost Leslie. I feel strong but I also feel weak. I feel this and I feel that. That is why I said today to me is basically a day of emotion potpourri.
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